Friday, February 6, 2015

The big D word - Depression and amazing friends

Oh my... I never thought I would do a post like this.  But I feel I need to. I have been blogging and sharing bits and pieces with you all but I never did post the full story.  And now I feel that I should share.  Maybe it won't help anyone but maybe it will and if that's the case well fantastic.

I've been running around so much... always busy, mom of 4 kids, working full time with a stressful job of finance director, wife, crafter when I can to escape it all.  The past 2 years have been extra stressful at work and I kept on going because that's what you do you keep on plowing ahead.  That's what strong people do.  They get through this.  I helped keep my team motivated and going even if there were times when I wasn't sure.  And then after the past 2 years this summer I started having insomnia... big time... and nightmares... 

I got some sleeping aids... but even with that it wasn't enough and finally after giving it my all, I broke down.  After 3 days of tears at work, my colleagues got super worried and asked me to consult someone.  The hardest thing I have EVER done in my life so far.  It felt like I was a failure... how could I crack like this.   It was this past September about the time that Robin William's took his life.

My kids and hubby were super worried.  I gave them my word that I would seek help and promised that I would get through this.  I was diagnosed with exhaustion and depressive humor...

I've been off from work since then.  I've gotten help from a therapist and the doctor.  I was starting to feel better before the holidays and actually thought that after the holidays I would be back to work and my regular life.... but that wasn't meant to happen yet.

Holidays are stressful time to most and at this point in time I was more fragile I guess.  The tiredness brought out some old pains and skeletons that I thought were buried came back out.  Instead of being better as I had expected I got worst and plunged into a full fledged major depression.  If it hadn't been for my kids and hubby and my promise to them I wouldn't be here today. I'm not used to feeling useless and this was a really really hard thing to be over the holidays.  

Depression is a sickness, but unlike others it doesn't show on the outside how badly you are feeling inside.  So I stopped sleeping again and without sleep it was getting much worst.  However the good thing is that I was already being followed medically so I'm getting the help that is needed to get better.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster right now and soooo want to get off!  Some days are ok and others are really bad.  I just have to be patient with myself and give myself the time to heal.  But it's not easy when you are a mom and used to being busy and taking care of others.  

What is worst is that I have absolutely no reason to feel depress... I have a great life and health (other than the depression).  There are so many out there that have it so much worst then me.  I know that and it makes it feel worse because it makes me feel like I'm weak and useless.

But I know that I will make it through!  And you know what? You guys are one of the big reason that I will make it through!  I've kept on crafting because that's probably one of the few lights in my life right now.  The dts are a reason why I keep on crafting... and I get up and take a shower and do a semi life!  Your friendship and support means so very much.  

I was totally BLOWN away this week when I started getting thinking of you cards from fellow crafters!  This community rocks big time.  I can't believe how fabulous you all are taking time for another crafter to say you care!!!  I mean I do it... but never thought EVER that I would be on the receiving end.  Your hugs mean soooo much.  I haven't met any of you in person but this community just is so caring and warm.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

I really felt that you guys deserved an explanation as to why I haven't been my normal bubbly self... I haven't been much online either.  And can't believe I only posted 43 times in January... I usually do over 70 in a month.  

Here are the fabulous warm hugs that I have received from all over the world!!!!  WOW how blessed am I?!?  How lucky and totally undeserving but thank you!  I just had to share the great artwork!!!  I'm speechless!!! (ok not quite it's been a long post)  

I mean how can one ever say enough thank you for fabulous creations such as those?!?




Thank you sooooo very much ladies!!!

I hope that this post will help others to seek help and not feel it's weak... but more a sign of how strong you are to get out of this!  As my therapist said to me suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary issue.

So now here's to hoping the temporary ends soon... lol  But THANK YOU sooooo much for your support and hugs!  Love you guys.  

I hope that my career won't be affected by this post... but then again depression needs to be talked about because so many need help and it's still seen as so a weakness to get the help.  This is my part to help make it better for others!!!!  

32 comments :

  1. Vicky, Depression is an illness just like Autoimmune disorders, or the flue. It is something everyone goes through at some point in their life. It is a deep dark pit. We climb to get out of. There are those who always suffer with it. They never get well, but with medicine and counseling they are able to live a decent life. I want you to know I care and I understand what you are going through. Sending a big hug your way my friend. Edwina Brown

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  2. Thinking of you Vicki. I read between your lines that something like this was happening to you. As the days get longer, you will start to feel a little better, promise! That good old sunshine helps a bit.

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  3. Oh Vicky, I had no idea. My Mum fell into depression a few years back, just like you she was leading a happy and full life, then bam from nowhere.
    I know how difficult it is from a support point of view, it is very hard for us on the outside to truly understand this illness. I am so glad you have decided to talk about it and seek the help you deserve. I don't suppose it will be any easy road for you, but know that there is no shame, it can happen to anyone, usually those we think are strongest because they take so much on.

    Anyway, big hugs from the UK, stay strong and in those low moments know that you are loved by many.

    Julie x

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  4. We all love you dearly, Vicky. Sending you virtual hugs which you can use whenever you feel the need. Thanks so much for speaking out. If even one person is motivated by your story, it was worth every word. NC

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  5. Sending big hugs to you, Vicky! So sorry for what you've been going through. I'm a big fan of your blog and I enjoy your cards and other creations very much. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so pleased that you are getting some happy mail - you deserve a lift!

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  6. Sending you hugs and good vibrations! I'm sure you will be recovered soon!!

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  7. My dear friend - I love you. I know that depression does take its toll!!!! I'm here for you and glad you are here!!!!
    Much love, hugs, and friendship

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  8. Vicky - sorry you are going through such a difficult time but know you are loved and have lots of prayers coming your way.

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  9. Vicky, thinking of you. As a nurse we throw depression around loosely when we feel sad, but it doesn't mean you have anything wrong with your life or you just a lack of serotonin. And that is just the "happy" hormone secreted by the body now there are things such as chocolate, exercise, sex, caffeine and so forth but they still don't help as much as you need especially if you are over tired. So don't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself. And know your friends and loved ones support you!

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  10. I don't know you very well at all, Vickie, but admire your courage to speak out. We all have our limits. Treasure your friendships and reach out for help when you need it. You're in my prayers.

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  11. You are so brave talking about it, I wonder if it is my problem at the moment - my mother in law's problems have really got to me and seeing old folk in the hospital and dementia home - is that the future? Shoot me now!
    I haven't been able to craft for over a month properly.
    I hope your temporary illness is over soon and in a good way.

    Hugs,

    Cazzy x

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  12. HI Vicky, sorry to hear this. I know how difficult it is because I have been battling depression for a very long time. Writing, talking and sharing your feelings will help you in this process. I am here if you need me.
    Hugs my friend.
    Lots of love and healing energy.
    Julia

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  13. I'm sorry to hear ur going thru this Vicky! I hope u r able to get thru it quickly and feel happy again!!! Big virtual hugs coming ur way! !!!!! ♡♡♡

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  14. Vicky! I think you are going through hard time very wisely! such a inspiring story, thanks for sharing. I will be here for u anytime if you want to chit chat ^^ xxx unky

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  15. People do need to start taking about mental illness so there isn't such a stigma attached to it. Your brain can get out of whack just like any other part of you. The important thing is that you recognized it and are taking steps to deal with it. Some of my immediate family members have been affected by mental illness, so I understand what you are going through. I hope you find a successful treatment plan so you can start feeling better and get back to living your life the way you want. Big hugs!!

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  16. Oh hon, I feel so bad not reaching out to you sooner. I've been worrying and wondering about what you've been going through and I'm so glad you're getting the help and support you need. You're such an inspiring person in so many ways and I applaud your courage in sharing this. Hoping each day will be a little brighter and please know you are loved. Hugs to you, Sweetie. xxD

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  17. Just had to pop over and leave you some love and a great big hug x As someone who has been battling depression for over half their life I know how strong and brave you have been in getting help and also speaking out about it x Just take each day one at a time and believe in the love from you family and friends and one day you will find the love for yourself again xx
    Sammi xxxx

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  18. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am glad you are getting help. My youngest daughter Angela and her 2nd daughter (16) both suffer from depression and are on medication. Angela has a chemical imbalance in the brain. Unfortunately depression can be hereditory. People need to understand more that true depression it is an illness not just feeling depressed. Please keep letting us know how you are. We get so much inspiration from your cards.

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  19. Vicky, So sorry to hear what you have been going through. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that each day will be a step towards being your old self. I have a family member who also suffers from depression, but with medication is able to cope, so I know how difficult this is. You are such an inspiration to so many, and I just love your cards. Sending you hugs and get well wishes....we will understand if you don't feel like posting some days, just take it slowly. Love Ursula

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  20. Oh my Vicky, I can so relate to your post as I too suffered with depression a few years ago. Through this I had to take early retirement. I have nothing but respect for your posting about this. Thinking of you and you will get through this, take each day as it comes.
    Much love and hugs
    Linda xxxx

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  21. I wish you would have shared this sooner. I am a caregiver for my parents for the last 8 years. I lost Mom on Dec. 18 which was a shock. I have been taking care of Dad (89) since also. He has spent no nights at his house an extension of mine until last night. He did great. My stress level has past the danger point. I have not had time to grieve for Mom. He has not really either and we have been so nasty to each other which is not reality because I am an only child. I crafted and made over 31 cards during the month of January. A true and wonderful relieve. I am a diabetic and it is getting worse with this stress. Depression is so bad and I know where you are coming from. We are still strong women and don't forget that. Hope that you will continue to get better and their are other women out there that are going thru and sharing is a great thing.

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  22. Dear Vicky, you have so much support here in blogland!! Everyone loves you and cares about you. That was very brave to open up about your depression. I admire you for that. I was crying as I was reading what you wrote. My goodness, to bare your soul like that is the beginning of your healing process. When Erin and Susan started the Perk Up Vicky event, so many wanted to join in and support you. That is because everyone knows how sweet and wonderful you are. My card to you will be coming sometime. The post office in the US here said anywhere between 7 and 30 days so I hope it brings a smile to you when you get it!!
    Hugs and caring thoughts from an admirer!!
    Darcy

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  23. As we say here in the UK, "been there, done it, got the Tee shirt" I feel for you so much, it is the most dreadful thing to go through. You WILL come through it, maybe not for a while, but knowing you have support can give you a lift. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  24. Hi Vicky..sorry to hear this but things will get better. It will take a while but it will get better...you always have to hit rock bottom before you get the chance to get better and smack it back into the dark hole it came from...be strong, you can better this....and take up the offers of help they will be a God send...here is hoping you kick depression right in the gonads 😁

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  25. Oh my goodness....I am so glad you decided to let your crafting friends in and not go through this depression alone. How brave you are to write this post. You are in my prayers and in my thoughts.
    Paulette

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  26. Hi Sweetie.

    We've been talking behind the scenes so I won't say much here...just that you are an amazing lady who is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted...that's what depression does. So glad you're getting the help and support you need. Always here for you.
    xxx

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  27. What a touching post Vicky and I know some of what you are going through. it's something that is different in each person. But hang on to your family and always remember they are your first priority. My prayers are with you my friend and I ask that you take care of yourself so we can have you our Vicky back with us. All my love to you. Hugs, joann

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  28. Just read your post and know you will get through this. My life seemed perfect then one day I started crying and couldn't stop. It had been building up slowly and then I guess the dam just had to burst. My family are so supportive and I have professional help also my craft is a life-line. I still have bad days but they are so few now that life is good again. Hugs to you,it will get better.

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  29. Vicki, we are all here for you and are holding your hand hoping it helps you get through this... we are all sisters in the crafting world and you are NOT weak you are very STRONG for fighting this and letting everyone know what it is like... Stay strong and I am here if you need me!
    HUGE HUGS

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  30. Oh my goodness! Like those before me, I had no idea you were going through such a difficult time ... you are always so bubbly & busy as a bee! I'm proud of you for sharing your story and pray that each & every day gets easier and better for you. I think my SIL is going through the same thing but like a lot of men ... he won't admit it or seek help. I intend to share your story with him and hopefully he will see that it's not a weakness to reach out! Please take care of yourself ... one day at a time my friend! BIG HUGS from OHIO!!!

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  31. Hi Vicky, well you know from an email I shared with you (when I won one of your awesome Candies) that I am a fellow sufferer... the Black Dog and I have been on nodding terms for years. Like you I had no "reason" to be depressed, like you I saw it as a failing, or at least a falling short.. as soon as you can come to terms that Depression, by definition is a feeling of worthlessness or loss WITHOUT REASON you'll be able to deal with the whole thing better. A very caring doctor told me a long time ago that I wouldn't be embarrassed or apologetic about having Diabetes, so why did I feel like that about having Depression... it is an illness I just "got" the same as if I had "got" diabetes, treatable just the same and dangerous only if ignored... just the same; how right he was and I hold that thought when I'm feeling blue - it's just the same as if my blood sugar was up... I need to address it. I won't lie, I still have some bad days too, but I know my triggers and I can tell when I'm heading down and I get on to it. Generally though life is capital G Good :-) I am quite "bubbly", so people often express surprise when they discover that I suffer from Depression - I don't know if it means that I cover it well or that there is still much ignorance of the condition out there. Your family sounds very supportive, like mine, such a boon when our minds start to make us doubt ourselves!
    My wish for you is sunshine and easy breathing, room in your head for idle thought and time for yourself. Take Care, Donna xx

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  32. Vicky, I have followed and know of you. You are an incredibly talented woman.
    I too have been through what you are going through. I admire your courage to confront it. it is very difficult to come to grips with, when you can't seem to justify the feelings. Ie,,, good life health etc.. but I know it is a physiological problem. You can't excuse it away . You have to treat it like any other sickness. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am sending a big hug.

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